Feeling Alone

My Our Daily Bread devotional today* tells the story of the Indonesian people who never go anywhere alone. If a neighbor needs help with a repair around the house, the writer says, another neighbor helps him. If a mother has a medical appointment, a friend accompanies her. The goal is to ensure that the person needing the help has someone to lend support when needed.

When our mother started to exhibit signs that she needed help, my siblings and I decided – like the people in Indonesia – that she would never be alone again. She’d never go to another appointment alone, never shop alone, never worship alone, or never visit a friend alone.

Of course, there were times when we stepped away so she could have one-on-one time with friends and family; when we physically stepped out of conversations; or when we didn’t sit with her at fellowships or gatherings. But one of us was always on the periphery – ready to lend a helping hand, ready to assure her that everything was okay, ready to remind her that we had her back.

Our being that up close and personal didn’t always sit right with Mama. She didn’t necessarily like staying with us all the time or our staying with her. Having a partner on walks, on her trips to run errands, at every medical appointment, and being a pea in her pod, directly contradicted the independent way Mama lived her life before she started having health issues.

And that kind of one-on-one care can be challenging or taxing on the caregiver too. For me, there was a feeling of isolation – even in the midst of doing things and being around people. It just came with the territory. The intensity of that feeling can somewhat lessen when another person is in the house or nearby, but it didn’t just go away with the presence of that other person.

It didn’t matter where Mama and I were. I could be speaking before the congregation at church, working at the computer in our hometown’s library, taking a stroll in the mall, driving down a highway, or sitting on the porch watching cars go by. With other people or not, I still felt alone.

It could feel like it was just her and me in the world in a room filled with people. It’s hard to put into words, but I could block out everyone. I’d ask myself what time she should eat; what she should eat; how her food should be prepared; which clothes she’d wear; what aspect of her business needed taking care of; whether to ask the doctor about this or that; what she was thinking; why a particular person didn’t acknowledge or speak to her; whether she was happy; whether she was sad; how much she understood; if I was doing right by her; and if I was doing enough to protect her.

Then as Mama’s condition declined, and she didn’t talk as much as before, the feeling of loneliness could sometimes be overwhelming, even deafening.

How did I deal with my own feelings? At the beginning of the caregiving journey, I didn’t even admit to them. I was Mama’s primary caregiver, and I didn’t want to do anything other than that. At first, I didn’t want anyone to help me, and I didn’t even allow my siblings to penetrate the walls that I built up around Mama and me. But it was they who convinced me that I was headed down a slippery slope, that I needed help. Otherwise, I was going to burn out, they said. They knew, especially my psychiatric nurse sister, that I needed practical respite for my own sanity’s sake.

My walk with Jesus Christ began long before my caregiving journey. And I always knew that God was with me, no matter the situation or circumstance. I realized not far into the caregiving journey that I was going to have to carve out time to spend with Him or I would not survive.

So I developed a routine. I rose to meet with Him early before I got Mama up, before her and my day even began. I found that spending that alone time with God helped me to put our lives into perspective. He’d talk to me in the cool of the morning, and throughout the day’s course He reassured me through songs and people that He was just a whisper away. Mama’s own walk with Him helped tremendously. So many times, she was my encourager. She sang, recited scripture, and mentored me on the mission field as we visited family and neighbors who were sick and shut-in. Her example of faith in the midst of trial was a source of strength.

In Christ, never did I have a more loyal friend.

Every day, I learned to trust in Jesus, to take Him at His word. Just to rest upon His promise.

“Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, Just to take Him at His Word Just to rest upon His promise, Just to know, "Thus saith the Lord!"

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him! How I've proved Him o'er and o'er Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus! Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

I'm so glad I learned to trust Him, Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend And I know that He is with me, Will be with me to the end.

Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus, Just to trust His cleansing blood And…Yes, 'tis sweet to trust in Jesus, Just from sin and self to cease Just from Jesus simply taking; Life and rest, and joy and peace.”

SCRIPTURES

Deuteronomy 31:6 – Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”

Isaiah 41:10 – Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

*May 28, 2019