Caring for and Losing a Parent: Jan’s Story

Mama’s death was expected. She was diagnosed with dementia about

eight years before she died. Over the course of that time, my siblings

and I saw the ravages of this condition up close and personal: We

chose to care for her ourselves, and we built a support system to help

us.

Because her dementia was vascular in nature, my mother lived for

several years in relatively good health, but her setbacks facilitated

marked, steep declines in her health. A seizure five months before she

died resulted in a hospitalization, rehabilitation, and hindered her ability

to walk. Then three weeks before she passed, she had another seizure

which pivoted her into the final stage of life.

Because my sisters, brother and I chose at home hospice, she was able

to live out her final weeks in the beloved house that she and our dad

built with their own hands. That meant we were there helping to guide

her care every step as she transitioned. Even with a hospital bed

(covered with a comforter identical to her own bed’s), we made her

room warm and inviting, slept in the same room, and stayed with her

around the clock. In the end, we administered just enough morphine to

ease her pain and adjusted her oxygen so that breathing wasn’t difficult.

I guess I didn’t know what dying at home would mean. It was grueling.

The ten days prior to Mama’s passing, she didn’t eat, and she only took

in enough liquids to stay hydrated, as we didn’t want her to aspirate. It

was extremely painful to watch her lie before us suffering, a shell of the

independent, vibrant prayer warrior and intercessor that she had been.

Although it was very clear that she was in miserable agony (just a light

touch of her skin made her grimace), she never complained – not even

a groan. She stayed with us through Mother’s Day, and then one week

later, she took her last breaths with only my sister, the nurse, with her.

Moments after she died, my siblings and I gathered around her bedside,

and without prompting, applauded in unison because God had been

gracious and answered our prayers to call our mother home. It also

helped that in death, she smiled, and her skin’s glow radiated the room.

Her persona said it all: She was in the presence of our Lord!

I was Mama’s primary caregiver for six years, having “retired” to lead

our collective efforts to give her the same care she’d given us four

children over the span of our lives. She and I were like glue, two peas in

a pod, together 24/7, except for the weekends she went to my sister’s or

when that sister, our brother, or another sister came to relieve or assist

me.

Even after she slipped away physically, there was no way for me to

escape her presence – just too many memories. She and I were always

together – at her house (where we spent most of our time), at my

house, at church, at the library, at the movies, in Lowes, in the grocery

store, at the mall, in our favorite restaurants, in doctors’ offices, on

walking trails, in beauty shops and nail salons, or at the car dealership

for service. We often walked arm in arm because she was blinded by

the stroke that had damaged her optic nerve and in essence had

ushered in the dementia. We made sure she was bathed, dressed, fed,

and had her meds. We loved helping choose her outfits and had fun

making her up and doing her hair and nails. And she loved posing for

pictures, even selfies. We had what I called “love and tug” days. On

those days, we sang and danced. On the more challenging “tug days,”

she boldly reminded us who was mother and who was child.

Mama’s death at 80 shattered every fiber of my being. It paralyzed me.

I cried out to God because my heart ached. I was consumed by anguish

because I had lost someone dear, my greatest advocate, loudest

cheerleader and special friend. I felt as if I couldn’t go on. I knew it was

a burden I couldn’t carry alone. I prayed:

“Lord, I need to feel your presence. Let me lay my head upon your

shoulder. Comfort me. Strengthen me. Please heal my

brokenness. Wrap your loving arms around me, and carry me as

only you can. Rain down on me with your peace. My hope is in

you, Father. Thank you for guiding and empowering me through

the days ahead. I trust your faithfulness. Amen!”

Whether expected or sudden, the death of a parent is painful. When the

wind of death blows, emotions run the gamut. Grief is unique, and no two people experience the process in the same way or for the same

period of time. As my mother’s oldest child, at her passing, I felt empty –

actually orphaned since our dad had died seventeen years earlier.

After a death, people on the outside show genuine concern, but most

aren’t sure what to say or do, even if they have experienced death

themselves. It can be an awkward time. My only true assurance was the

knowledge that our Heavenly Father hovers over us to protect us, to

keep us safe.

For me, what a blessing it is to know that God promises to comfort us

with His presence and his peace through the Holy Spirit. And that

through His love story, the Bible, proof of his compassion and mercies

is at my fingertips. He promises that He will never leave us or forsake

us. As a believer, I am assured that eternal life awaits those who die in

Him.

So for my Mama, death was not an end. It was a new beginning – a

beginning I too will have when my own earthly journey ends. Hallelujah!

SCRIPTURES

Psalm 23:4 – Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of

death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff,

they comfort me.

Psalm 46:1 – God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in

trouble.

Job 5:11 – He sets on high those who are lowly, and those who mourn

are lifted to safety.

Lamentations 3:22-23 – Through the LORD’s mercies we are not

consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every

morning; Great is Your faithfulness.

John 11:25-26 – Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the

life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. And

whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?”

John 14:27 – Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the

world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it

be afraid.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 – But I do not want you to be ignorant,

brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as

others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose

again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus. For

this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are

alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede

those who are [d]asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven

with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of

God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are

alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to

meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the

Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words

Revelation 14:13 – Then I heard a voice from heaven saying to me,

Write: ‘Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on.’” “Yes,”

says the Spirit, “that they may rest from their labors, and their works

follow them.”